Reslution #3 - It's Been a Long Time Since I Did the Stroll

I haven't used a stroller lately, but as I recall, the term 'stroller' is actually short for 'baby stroller.' You may think that is a point not worth making, and, believe me, I wish you were right.  But you are wrong.  And for that reason, we have resolution #3 - this year you resolve to push babies, and only babies, in strollers. 

Do you have a lot of paperwork you need to carry around from place to place? It happens to the best of us. What does not happen to the best of us is loading those papers into assorted supermarket plastic bags, plastic bags now disintegrating with age, and then stacking those bags into a stroller, which you then push through the city streets, pretending that you do not, in fact, look homeless.  Tell yourself that that well-dressed woman who just handed you a dollar mistook you for a friend of hers she borrowed that same amount from yesterday, but we both know she just checked off the "give charity" entry on her to-do list.  

Hmmmm, what solution is there to this situation? May I recommend a roller bag, a briefcase, or my personal favorite, a tote.  Totes are just perfect for toting stuff around - it's even right there in the name.  I don't care if you use a Marc Jacobs tote or a freebie one that, hypothetically says something about Dr. Phil needing to hold you (and, coincidentally comes from the supermarket, in case you are wed to the notion of procuring your paper transport needs there), a tote is the answer to your paper problem.

Similarly, while a stroller is intended for taking strolls with your baby or even your preschooler, it is not intended for making your way around the city with your 40-pound first grader.  I know, your first grader would prefer to be in a stroller, but so what? (Are we now taking direction from first graders? Because I dread the dinners of fluff, olives and goldfish crackers this approach is sure to result in.)  Also, clearly this is my opporutnity to mention that  many, many men I passed while pushing my stroller also claimed the stroller was their first choice when it came to transportation; they all thought it was simply hilarious to shout remarks like "Hey, would you push me around in a stroller?" or "That's the life."  Not surprisingly, I did not indulge them any more than I would indulge a first grader.  And, not surprisingly, somehow not a single woman ever voiced that desire.

Lastly, I cannot believe I have to say this, but it seems that I do. You may not push your pet in a stroller.  A baby stroller is not for pets.  In fact, a pet stroller is not for pets.  A pet stroller is simply a baby stroller manufactured for and purchased by a pet crazy.  You may not put a dog in it.  You may not put two dogs in it.  You may not put two dogs in it and then somehow get that stroller up onto the city bus and then give me an unprompted lecture about how you take your stroller of shih tzus to the movies with you and feed them popcorn.  (I got exactly what I deserved, of course, when I responded that popcorn is a choking hazard for dogs.  I learned that it is, in fact, perfectly safe if you pre-chew the popcorn for your dog.)

Piece of cake, then.  No baby = no stroller. It's as easy as that!  An exception is made, of course, for young children pushing dolls in strollers.  So cute! No exception is made, of course, for anyone else pushing dolls in strollers.  So creepy!

Resolution #2 - Walk this Way

"I resolve not to walk into other people when I can avoid it.  This means that when they are in my way, even if I am in a tremendous hurry to get on that subway car or I really want a grande caramel light frappuccino (with extra caramel and a dome lid), I will still not walk into others, as they, like me, are humans, and I must take it on their word that they, like me,  are sentient. 


'I' am defined in this resolution as including my physical being as well as anything I am wearing, carrying or pushing.  This means that I will not push my shopping cart into your rear end as you open an egg carton to check for cracked eggs, as you are, in fact, quite visible and collision is entirely preventable.  Also, I will not walk past you and hit you with my enormous backpack; that is to say, I will not act entirely oblivious to the fact that I am carrying around at least 6 weeks/35 pounds of clothing on my back and that turning suddenly and body-slamming you with same backpack could injure, or at least anger, you."


Walking is challenging.  Stay tuned for your resolution not to walk through a door ahead of the person for whom it has been opened!

Happy Holiday and an Angry New Year!

This year, being the efficient and generous soul that I am, I will celebrate the Winter-Holiday-of-Your-Choice and New Years both at once by giving you the gift of resolution.  Each day (or those days I remember to), up until New Years, I will offer you a new resolution. 

Resolution #1 - Rock the Roll
Sometimes, despite your best efforts to avoid it, you are the person who uses the last square of toilet paper. It happens to the best of us.   Now I know that usually you would undertake the following steps:

• Use tissues.  When tissues are gone -
• Use wipes, despite how old any wipes found in this baby-free household must be.  When wipes are all gone -
• Avoid toilet paperless bathroom at all costs, until the roll has been replaced.  If this means using only the bathroom at school or at the Starbucks two blocks away, so be it

This year will be different.  This year you pledge to do the following when you find yourself carefully peeling off that very last square:

• Select a roll from one of the 30 or so rolls under the sink (stacked in a not-at-all-OCD FIFO order)
• Remove the empty toilet paper tube from the dispenser
• Hand tube to the dog (she is right at hand to simplify this task for you)
• Place the new roll in the dispenser

Stand back and admire your work.  If you feel you have come up short, rest assured that within a day or so you will be given another opportunity to practice this new skill, unless you have already perfected your never-use-the-last-square avoidance maneuvers.