Lost in Translation

Here is something many of you may not know about me; I have some language processing issues.  There are certain phrases that I just can't process correctly, and I want to let you know so that you may avoid them.  I am told that because my condition was diagnosed in adulthood, there is no treatment available and the most I can do is warn you about how the symptoms present themselves. 

"Smile"
When you see me and say "Smile, it can't be that bad!" what I hear is "Please, punch me right here in the trachea."  Anyway, who are you to tell me it can't be that bad?  It can be.  There can be literally 10 loads of laundry patiently waiting for me on the living room sofa, visible apparently to only me, that I can't get to for the 40 other items on my to-do list.

"I forgot to eat - AGAIN!"
This statement just cannot be processed.  I think you may be saying something about missing a meal, is that right? I have heard that, like the spontaneous combustion that my high school friend Cindi swore happens frequently to people in Chicago (don't you love that little detail - she swore up and down that spontaneous combustion happens all the time, but only in Chicago), missing meals also happens to people. When I hear this statement, I kind of stand there dumbfounded.  Don't get me wrong, my reaction is merely delayed; as you exit the room later, I will accidentally extend a foot in your path.

"You look really tired."
When I hear "You look really tired," the neurons in my brain seem to misfire and it comes through as "Slap me wicked hard across the face. With your rings turned inward." Don't try to follow this statement with, as someone did recently, "but pretty - you still look pretty," because it will already be too late and you should really just focus your efforts on locating an icepack for your jaw. 

Shrill bike whistle while you almost smack into me in the crosswalk as you ride your bike against traffic and against the light
In this instance my brain interprets the input as "string as many variations on the word f*ck as you can into a single, very loudly voiced exclamation."  Note that, somewhat surprisingly, the number of permutations of the word f*ck is directly proportional to the number of children I am accompanying across the street as you nearly run us down while thinking that any activity you partake in is sanctioned as long as you blow that f*cking whistle. 

"Girl," when referencing an adult woman
Upon hearing an adult woman - a salesperson, a colleague, Secretary of State Clinton - referred to as a 'girl,' my brain is entirely bypassed and my mouth automatically exclaims "WOMAN!" I am sure this reaction is directly related to my reaction to my alma mater, Wellesley College, being referred to as a "girls' school" ("WOMEN'S COLLEGE!"). The brain works in mysterious ways.

I thank you for your understanding, but please, save your pity. For the guy on the bike (and the kids walking with me).