A Blogger in the City: A Guide to Recognizing Me on the Streets of Manhattan

I know many of you are wondering how you would recognize me if you ran into me in the street.  I mean, what if you were in NYC and you passed me and didn't realize it was me? That would be a tragedy, and a preventable one at that.  With my recent frequent and dramatic changes in hair color, a physical description might be insufficient, so I have created a little guide to recognizing me through my behaviors:


Berating Strangers
Do you think you've just spotted me in a store, but you're just not sure? (OK, if you are in a store, there is already a pretty good chance it is me.) Stick around until I pay for my merchandise (again, if the woman you're watching is making a purchase, there is an even better chance it's me).  If that woman gets into some sort of altercation in line, I am that woman. Just today I had no choice but to scold the woman behind me in Filene's Basement/Syms/Chapter Eleven Wonderland.  As the cashier motioned for me to advance to the register, the customer behind me in line gave me two sharp jabs in the shoulder.  Was that really necessary? No.  Was it really necessary for me to pause before paying to growl at her, "You may not touch me. Ever!" Yes. Yes it was.  But you just know that woman is telling her friends about the bitch who scolded her for doing absolutely nothing except kindly alerting her that a register was now free.


Giving Directions
If you have ever been to NYC and asked a stranger for help finding your tourist destination (Dylan's Candy Bar, Macy's, the entire borough of Queens), that stranger was me.  I play a weird role out on the mean city streets: I give directions.  At least once a day somebody singles me out from the rest of the crowd to ask me "Which way is Amsterdam Avenue?" "Can I walk to Rockefeller Center from here?" or "Do you know the closest place I can buy an SD card?"  My husband and I have been aware of this phenomenon for years.  Even when we would be on vacation in Europe, people would approach me with maps, seeking my utterly uninformed assistance. Surely my jeans and odd American footwear should have been a tip-off, but no. And vacations in the US - it's a given that I will get even more questions about which route to take than I do at home in NYC.  You would think with the advent of GPS-enable smartphones, fewer people would need my services, but just the other day my daughter said, with a mixture of confusion and pride, "A lot of people like to ask you directions, huh?"

Taking a Seat
You know how often, even on a really crowded bus or subway, there is an open seat between two people, but no one takes it? Maybe a passenger's bag is on it, or a coat hem has strayed onto it, or maybe a (male, always male) passenger next to the empty seat has spread his legs as wide as humanly possible and that seat looks practically unsittable. Well, it's not - and I am the woman you just saw asking the passenger to move his bag or his coat, his legs or whatever else is making it nearly impossible for my little hiney to plop itself right down on that seat.  It's my "one ass one seat" policy, and if I am not going to enforce it, really, then who is? I consider it my ethical obligation.

Confirming a Price
Were you behind a customer (in a store again - see?) who is slowing down the checkout process by questioning the price at which an item was rung up? Then you are behind me! Much to the annoyance of cashiers across the city, I prefer to pay the actual price of the item, and not just whatever the register chooses for me. Lately it's several times a week that I lead a bored, unwilling cashier back to the shelf to confirm that, indeed, the price is at least 30% less than it rang up at.  I feel both triumphant and apologetic when I do that - and also very aware that this store worker is hating me more and more with each passing second. Tough.  I only dragged those two cases of Diet Pepsi across the store for the sale price and that's the price I'll be paying!  But also - I'm sorry. 

When you recognize me, stop and say hello!