In keeping with the intent of this blog, this entry is about the gifts you should not buy. If you are looking for a cheerful approach to finding the perfect Marc Jacobs logo-emblazoned iPad stylus cover, look elsewhere...
It is the time of year when everything sold on god's green earth is promoted as making the perfect gift. I want to go on record as saying that, in fact, for most, even all of these items, it is simply not true. I feel obligated to point out this deception, lest someone (one of you, perhaps) is searching for just the right gift for me, and he or she is swayed by one of these ads into purchasing the item being featured. Do not be swayed! In particular, do not be swayed by ads for:
Car Mats
Yes, yes, I know that you know that I don't have a car, and I know that, for that reason alone, you may realize that car mats is not necessarily the perfect gift for me. Recent commercials, however, may convince you that in fact they are. Again, I say, they are not. For one thing, these commercials tout the fact that these nifty car mats do not absorb any of the slush or water that people track into a car; all of that simply pools up. These car mats are, in fact, like shallow dishes, ready to be filled with your passengers' street muck. How is this a good thing, even assuming you have a car? And, if you can come up with a reason that in fact it is a good thing to go riding around with your feet in a shallow dish of street muck, surely you will concede that those dishes are not what your loved one wants to receive on his or her winter holiday.
Kardashian Perfume(s)
There are people out there who watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim and Kourtney Take Miami, Kim and Kourtney Take New York, Khloe and Lamar. (OMG - are there that many? Those jokes about how busy Ryan Seacrest is are not really jokes, are they?) I may, in fact, be one of those people. I may, in fact, have seen the Kim Kardashian E! special. More than once. And the wedding, that's a given. And yet, I know without smelling either Kim or Khloe's perfumes, that I want no part of any Kardashian perfume. Now, the Avril Lavigne perfume, that's another story. Except no, no it's not, it is the same story. Please do not run out to your nearest drugstore, or wherever these shameless (shameful?) items are being sold. Which brings us to...
Drugstore Products
All throughout Duane Reade are signs pointing out the perfect gifts. Pay no attention to the signs. My gift should not come with a gift receipt from Duane Reade. First of all, they do a horrible job with returns. (You should really take my word on this one; I am the queen of returns. I recently returned a pair of girl's boots that consisted of two rights. In different sizes. So, if I say Duane Reade returns are hard to pull off, you can take it to the bank.) Second of all, with the exception of essie nail polish, there is really nothing there for me. And that includes the itunes gift cards, because I am fairly certain that if you bought any gift card there, you would end up with a card with precisely $0 loaded on it, due to the utter lack of interest the cashiers there have in pretty much any activity that does not involve texting, and that is not much of a gift. Although I imagine it would work fairly well as a coaster. For narrow glasses.
Whatever you do decide to give me, just make sure you don't 'gift' it, and I'll be grateful. And possibly not even return it.
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