Resolution #4 - (Don't) Talk to Me Like Business Lovers Do

Having spent my entire work life in the world of huge professional services companies since graduating from college, sometimes it's hard for me to fully understand how different my work environment is from every other possible work environment.  For one thing, I am told that in the rest of the world, employees do not do endless numbers of evaluations and self-evaluations, at midyear and at year-end, two time periods that somewhat inexplicably seem to blend seamlessly into each other.  I guess that makes sense, although I am not certain life is worth living without the high one gets from completing HR forms in a mad scramble, constantly checking the clock as it ticks toward a midnight deadline.


Likewise, in the exciting world of business, we have our own language, and sometimes, like an actual bilingual person (which I am not), I may forget where I am and to whom I am speaking and launch right into that language. Your next resolution is to join me in fighting hard to keep your personal conversations and business jargon from colliding.  This pledge includes avoiding such offenses as:


Telling your significant other that he is stuck in analysis paralysis.  If you think he was stuck before, try introducing a piece of lingo like that one, and watch him spend 45 minutes dissecting it (and you, for using it).  While he may have just proven your point, was it really worth it?


Requesting that your daughter's speech therapist provide you with milestones and deliverables. First of all, it turns out that in the real world people don't typically address these items. What they do is look at you like you are entirely nuts and you can actually see them mentally work their way through a list of potential reasons they can use to excuse themselves from assisting the daughter of the crazy woman.  Luckily, in the end they come to feel sorry for the daughter of the crazy woman and possibly even redouble their efforts to assist.

Suggesting that your daughter has not done her due diligence in preparing her primary source research project  - also known as a fourth grade book report.  If you thought she was angry at you for making her read the book, even when she realized it was not as much fun as any of the Dear Dumb Diary series and had no pictures at all, multiply that a trillion-fold to get her reaction to this lingo-laden accusation.  Try phrasing it something like "Honey, it's a good idea to read your assignment before getting three paragraphs in.  No, not erasing it because it doing so will make the page look 'messy,' is not an option.  Given what your room likes like 99% of the time, it is hard to believe you think 'messy' is anything less than a compliment anyway."  Or some variation on that.

I should write more, but I just realized that spell check does not recognize 'deliverables' as a word and I must address that error immediately.  I dare not even look for 'incentivization,' not to mention the perrenial favorite, 'updation.'